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2003-09-22 - 10:37 a.m.

This might be funny if it weren't true

RESUME: GEORGE W. BUSH

The White House USA

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for congress and lost.

I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.

I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went

bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took

land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago

White Sox.

With my father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

I changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the

most polluted state in the Union.

I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in

America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions

in borrowed money.

I set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.

I became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes,

with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I attacked two countries.

I spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.

I shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.

I set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month

period.

I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock

market.

I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal

record.

In the first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on

vacation by any president in US history. After taking the entire month of

August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US

history. I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any

other president in US history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.

I cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any

president in US history.

I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than

any president in US history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to

intervene when corruption was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to

use the national reserves as past presidents have.

I cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.

I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously

take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the

record

for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I dissolved more international treaties than any president in

US history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US

history. (The 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron

oil

tanker named after her).

I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military

occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the

United Nations and the world community.

I created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of

the United States .

I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases,

more than any president in US history.

I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove

the US from the human rights commission.

I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove

the US from the elections monitoring board.

I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of

congressional oversight of any presidential administration in US history.

I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant. I withdrew from the

World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners

of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations election

inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).

I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate

campaign donations. My biggest lifetime campaign contributor, who is also

one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate

bankruptcy

frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

I, with a policy of disengagement, created the most hostile

Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.

I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people

of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace

and stability.

I am the first US president in history to have the people of South Korea

more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea .

I failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.

I removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other

president in US history.

In a little over two years I created the most divided country in decades,

possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.

I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less

than two years turned every single economic category heading straight

down.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine ( Texas driving

record has been erased and is not available).

I was AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of

war.

I refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to

my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt

companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board

are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding

public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public

review.

For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker

(They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group which has been

accused of war-profiteering.)

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